Some Reflections on Turning 40

In the last week of my 30’s, approaching the big 4-0, I have been realizing there is a lot to be grateful for in my past, but so much more to look forward to ahead.

I have been told as you mature, you begin to care less about what others think, and start putting yourself first. For most of my life I have battled with my anxiety, which has led to people pleasing, silencing myself and avoiding conflict at ALL costs. Although it made my present situation more peaceful, it led to an even deeper sense of anxiety, a distrust of myself and worst of all, resentment. Keeping the peace did not enhance my relationships, rather, it damaged them- some irreparably. Showing up authentically in relationships has been terrifying, yet hugely rewarding.

One way I have learned to do this is relying on my training in Acceptance and Commitment therapy, which teaches you to sit with your discomfort, in order to live a life based on what you value most.

I began by sorting out what really matters to me: my family, my friendships, my work as a therapist, my sarcastic sense of humor, my love of music, my appreciation of having peace of mind and of course, my health.

Once I was clear on what mattered, I thought about what was getting in the way of enjoying all these wonderful things I already had in my life...my good friend anxiety! It impacted my ability to parent, to connect and be honest in my closest relationships. It held me back in my career and from taking the steps to care for myself. I have been working hard to relate differently to my anxiety. I used to do everything in my power to get rid of it, not realizing this only makes it come back stronger. Leaning into it and learning to be flexible with it has completely changed the way I experience my anxious bouts.

One of the biggest changes I made was not taking myself so seriously. Here’s an example: Some of my favorite people live in Alberta. However, due to my fear of flying, I haven’t been able to visit them in many years. In a recent discussion with my dear friend Angela, we laughed about how I could get a vest that says “Anxious Passenger” in huge red letters, and have an airline attendant deliver me directly to her in the airport. In imagining this scene (me clinging to the attendant’s leg much like Bill Murray clinging to the dock in ‘What About Bob?’) it helps to lighten the iron grip anxiety tends to have on me. I realize that it WILL be ok, and even if something goes haywire, I can always ask for help and support to figure it out.

Obviously in many instances, anxiety is no laughing matter and can be absolutely debilitating, and I hope my words do not diminish anyone’s suffering. Rather I hope that it encourages my fellow anxiety sufferers to play around with how they experience their anxiety. The ability to laugh at yourself can feel incredibly freeing.

So cheers to ageing. Instead of the typical way we view females and ageing in our society (that it somehow diminishes your worth...wth is that?), I am choosing to look at it as leveling up and becoming more powerful. I have birthed a child, married my best friend, created my dream private practice (shout out to my clients, you are AMAZING and I am so honored to work with you) and found a group of amazing women that I am lucky to call my friends. As I continue to learn and grow, I can’t help but feel hopeful for what’s next. How badass is that?

About the Author

Sarah Penny is a Registered Psychotherapist at The Growth & Wellness Therapy Centre providing support for individuals around issues of self-esteem, trauma, relationships and more.